Letting go

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‘Letting go’ is a daunting task. No matter what you are letting go of {back off grammar police!} It is especially hard when your own children are involved. Letting go can mean a million things. Letting go of your children when you go back to work. Letting them go to a sleepover at their grandparents. Watching them get on the school bus for the first time. Packing up for an out-of-town get away with their friend or letting go forever. The process of letting go is similar to the grieving process. Different for each and every person. Full of steps and emotions.

I’ve had to let go of many things since becoming a mom. I’ve let go of three children (more about that another time!). I’ve let go of a career to be a stay-at-home-mom, let go of getting anywhere on time, okay okay, I never got anywhere on time even before I had children! No matter what I’ve had to let go of, I realized the hurt it caused was mostly for selfish reasons. We’re human. We have selfish tendencies.

From the minute Chad and I found out we were having a boy we couldn’t wait to see the kind of kid he grew to be. We were excited at the thought of him playing sports, going to sleepovers, and watching him perform in his elementary school plays. Our dreams were crushed the summer we signed him up for t-ball. He was so excited to be part of the team. To get out there and hit the ball. But what we failed to realize is that our dreams were not, and still aren’t, his dreams! To say it was a disaster was an understatement. We had to let go of the idea of being baseball parents. It wasn’t so much of a dream of ours, neither one of us are huge baseball fans. The hurt wasn’t because we quickly realized he wasn’t going to be the next baseball star. It was the realization that doing things like that were painful to him.

Not physically painful, but mentally and socially. You see, Riley struggles with social anxiety. My child, my preschool age child (he’s almost 8 now), was struggling with anxiety. How could that even be? Does the anxiety go hand-in-hand with his autism (highly functioning) diagnosis? Did something happen that we are unaware of? Or does he just hate being put on the spot? Who knows. What I do know is that I’ve had to let go of the dreams I had for Riley. Not give up on him, but come to terms with the fact that, for Riley, doing things that most children can do just don’t come easily for him.

And right now this means (very possibly) letting go of bowling league. It hurts to watch him love it so much yet struggle with things beyond his control at the same time. Making it an almost impossible activity right now. It hurts me. It hurts Riley. It hurts those around him who see the struggle and know how much he loves bowling.

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(picture source)

The selfish side of me wishes so badly that I could take all that anxiety away from him and just throw it away. The selfish side of me wishes he didn’t have to struggle with this at such a young age, or ever. But I know that the same God who created a perfect Heaven also created my son. He knew of the diagnosis and difficulties long before Riley was ever conceived. I can find comfort in that. Comfort that God knows what He is doing and comfort in the fact that, somehow, Chad and I are the perfect parents for this precious boy.

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Welcome!

Hi friends, welcome to my little corner of the WWW (world wide web)!

I hope to fill this place up with all kinds of randomness! I’m too scatterbrained and indecisive to make it dedicated to any one certain theme so, since it’s mine, anything goes!

Well, almost anything. I think.

It’s safe to say you will likely find topics and pictures about my children, my husband, my faith, our recent move to the country from the ghetto, what life is like with a few children, and one already in Heaven. I will blog about our homeschooling adventures (and misadventures), our journey with a child who has autism & anxiety, why I’m not allowed in the kitchen…

And everything in between.

~Blessings to everyone,
Tyra